Well, Have You Told Them? Episode 4

My husband/wife, my mother/father, my child, my friend, etc., etc., really upset me. Well, have you told them? Ahh, no. 

One of the most common dialogues I hear in my sessions is a patient telling me about a person who upset them, and stating that they have never told them that they are upset. The fear that bringing up their feelings could incite verbal conflict or communicate a lack of caring is so scary that it is better off not expressed. As I have brought up in prior episodes, expressing feelings leaves us vulnerable. Vulnerability can be frightening. 

Transcript

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Hello. Welcome to Shrink Unleashed. I am your host, James Stein. I am a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. My husband, wife, my mother, father, my child, my friend, etc. etc. really upset me. Well, have you told them? Uh no. One of the most common dialogues I hear in my sessions is a patient telling me about a person who upset them and stating that they have never told them that they are upset. The fear that bringing up their feelings could incite verbal conflict or communicate a lack of caring is so scary that it is better off not expressed. As I have brought up in prior episodes, expressing feelings leaves us vulnerable. Vulnerability can be frightening. What if we tell a friend that their behavior made us feel bad and they don't care? Then we have to question our friendship. Worse yet, what if we tell a partner that they upset us and they don't care? Then we have to question the relationship. Now, nowhere do I see this utter lack of communication more prevalent than in couples. A scenario that I often come across in couples counseling is when a person cheers about something that their partner did that really upset them. I will ask the person if they told their partner that they are upset, they will reply, no. Why haven't you told them? Because they should know that I am upset. The partner will reply, I can tell that you are upset with me, but I have no idea why. Is assuming that your partner is a mind reader a fair assumption to make? When you do not tell someone that you are upset, you take away their ability to explain why they did. You take away their ability to understand how their behavior made you feel. You take away their ability to apologize for how they made you feel if an apology is what is needed. And most importantly, you take away their ability to hopefully make a better choice in the future. The first couple that I ever saw when I was an intern broke up at the end of our session. I asked the couple what brought them in. The woman tells me that the two of them really love each other, but they just can't seem to make it work. They argue all of the time. They need to learn better communication skills. The man was just sitting there quietly. I asked the man how he felt. He said, I guess that I would say the same thing as my girlfriend. The woman jumps in again and says, I mean we really love each other, but he does so many things that bother me. She then begins to go through a list of all of his faults and annoying characteristics. Once again he just sat there quietly. I turned and I asked him what he thought about what she had just said. He replied, She is right. I need to do better. He then took a pause and almost in a whisper said, Uh I'm done. She yelled out, What are you saying? You know how much we love each other. How can you say we are done? He says you are right. We just need to work on it more. She thanks him for coming to his senses and reiterates to me the most important issues they need to work on. As she is talking, he says again I am done, and the whole dialogue starts all over again. After about the fourth time of saying that he is done, I say to him, If this relationship has any chance of making it, you are going to have to decide if this is what you want. If you want it, it will take work, it will take honesty, and it will take commitment. He replies, I am really glad you said that. I don't want to work at it, I don't want to have to honestly talk about it, and I certainly do not want to commit to it. I am done. He walks out of the room and she follows him out screaming, but we love each other. My first thought was, Oh my god, what have I done? All it took was one 50-minute session with me and the relationship is over. I must be the worst therapist in the world. What am I going to tell my supervisor? When I did talk to my supervisor, she told me that what I experienced is not uncommon. Oftentimes with a therapist present, it gives people the courage to take an action that they have wanted to take for a while. Couples counseling can be one of the most unsuccessful types of counseling. The reason for that is oftentimes a couple will come into counseling with one partner dragging the other. By the time they come in, there is already so much anger, hatred, and resentment that there is nowhere to go. When counseling can be very successful is when there's still some semblance of love and caring, when there still is some ability to communicate. This couple might have had a chance of making their relationship work, or it might have come to an end sooner before more time was invested into it. Whatever the outcome, nothing was going to happen positive or negative, if they could not tell each other how they felt. One dynamic that I have seen change over time, which I have to say is just plain odd, is between parents and children. It used to be that children were afraid to confront their parents about how their parents' behavior made them feel. This is a natural dynamic due to the power differential between parent and child. Now I often hear parents tell me that they are scared to confront their children about how their children's behavior makes them feel because their child might not like them. This is a future episode all on its own. Relationships in all categories, if they are to become deeper and more fulfilling, require honesty. They require a certain level of vulnerability. This does not mean that you go around telling everyone how you feel. Just those instances where you desire closeness. Or those instances with someone who might you might have no relationship with at all, but they treated you in a way where you felt wronged. When you call out someone who wronged you, it just makes you feel better about yourself to express those feelings, if it is safe to do so. Oh, by the way, and if you are sure you are in the right. I had an adult male as a patient once, who expressed a desire to have a family session with his immediate family present. His three siblings and his mother and father, who were divorced, participated in the session. The patient had a lot of unresolved issues with his father. All of the members of the family were greatly encouraged to honestly express how they felt. At one point I asked the patient if there was one thing that he would like from his father. The son replied that he would like his father to apologize for many of the things that his father did to him when he was a child. His father could be emotionally and at times physically abusive. The son looked at his father and said, You hurt me, and I think you should tell me you're sorry. The father replied, That was the old me. The new me is a much better father. He turns to his son and asks, wouldn't you agree that I am a better father now? The son responded, Yes, but that still doesn't erase the way you treated me as a child. The father says, I am not going to apologize for the old me. You are just going to have to accept that I am a better father now and get over it. Later on in the session, I asked the father if he would like to have a better relationship with his children. He said that he would. I then said, in order to have a better relationship with your children, in order to have a closer, deeper relationship with your children, then things would have to change. In order to have a closer, deeper relationships, it means that they come to you with the bad in their lives, not just the good. They come to you with their failures, not just their success. They come to you with their weakness and fear, not just their strength and courage. In other words, they come to you with the whole of their lives. He replies, They have always gone to their mother when something was bothering them. I said, Yes, I know that is the way it has always been, but you now say they that you want to change that and have a closer relationship with your children. He sits back, pauses, then replies, You know what? The relationship I have with my children now is just fine. Probably one of the most honest moments of his life, either on a conscious or subconscious level, he recognized his capacity to have a more meaningful relationship with his children. The next time I saw my patient, I was curious to hear his reaction to the session. I asked him how he felt about the session, especially what his father had to say. He told me that he left the session feeling great. He knows now that he will never receive an I'm sorry from his father, so he can stop waiting for it. He also knows that his relationship with his father is as good as it is ever going to get. Any guilt or shame he might have felt for his part in them not being closer is completely gone. His father is the best version of himself that he is probably ever going to be. Just because his father is emotionally stunted does not mean that he must carry that tradition on. His father might not have close, meaningful relationships in his life, but he can. This breakthrough only came from his ability to express how he felt. As with so many patterns that we discuss, don't be guided by fear. If you think someone should know how you feel, tell them. If a relationship ends because someone who made you feel bad and you told them leaves, was it worth keeping? As I stated in a prior episode, what gets repressed gets expressed. Unresolved feelings do not go away. They are just compartmentalized and stored. They will come out sometime, somewhere, and often not in the healthiest way. So free yourself. Just be discerning of number one, is it safe to do so? When is the best time to say it? Why do you have the need to convey it? And how is the best way to do it? Give yourself the opportunity to answer differently. The next time you're telling someone that another person really upset you, and the person you are telling asks, Well have you told them you can answer yes. Yes I did. Thank you for listening to Shrink Unleashed. There is still much to come. Please follow or subscribe. On a side note, when I started this podcast, I stated that a new episode would be coming out every two weeks. It seems that I was a little too optimistic. Every three to four weeks appears to be a little more accurate. Thank you for bearing with me as I go. Please feel free to leave comments or you can email me directly at shrinkunleashed at gmail.com. The information in this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. There is no agreement of confidentiality. Listening to this podcast does not establish a therapist patient relationship. Always seek the advice of your own doctor or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition.